Tinder/Script
INTRO Jake: Hey, you're watching a pimp and Amir! Amir: Nice! Jake: I'm a pimp! Amir: I know. Jake: I am! Episode (Jake and Amir are at their desks. Jake is on his phone. Amir is playing with some wind-up chattering teeth. Jake abruptly bursts into song, which startles Amir.) Jake: singing I'm swiping right! I matched on Tinder...! She is sixteen. Amir: Sixteen? Jake: Nineteen. Easy does it. Nineteen. What did I sing? Amir: Sixteen. Jake: Pervert! That's illegal. Amir: Yeah! Jake: Yeah. Amir: ...Yes. Jake: Okay. Amir: Okay. Jake: Alright. Amir: Good. Jake: So we're clear, she's sixteen-- nineteen! Now you got me sayin' it! laughs Amir: You said it first! Jake: Anyway, this is a snatch made in Heaven! Alright? Nineteen. Her name is Lod. "load" Amir: Lord? Jake: Lod. L-O-D. As in she has double-D's. It's French or some shit, and I'm going to french... licking breasts ...her tits! Amir: I wonder if I should get Tinder! Jake: I'm gonna stop you right there. I wouldn't do that, just 'cause you're what my Tinder coach would call an app-killer.You're someone who doesn't just get left-swiped; you actually inspire people to delete the app. laughing You're ugly. Amir: Mean! Jake: Sometimes the truth hurts. You've got to embrace it. I was an app-killer myself before I met Chet, but it only cost me fifty bucks per match to become Mr. Right-Swiped! Amir: Loser! You have a Tinder coach? Jake: Goddamn right I do. Amir: How many matches have you gotten? Jake: up one finger Just the one. Just the one so far, but I've only been right-swiping for a year. makes an incredulous face. Jake mocks him defensively. Amir: Long time. Jake: The trick? Shirtless pics! That's right, a topless pic for this thick dick makes the chicks-- gags. Amir: Oh. gags again. Amir: Oh! gags a third time. Amir: Why? vomits onto his desk. Amir watches in astonishment. Jake spits out the last of the vomit and continues. Jake: ...sick! Amir: Holy shit. How? Jake: his throat I fingered a cat, dude! At a shelter! Amir: Inhumane! Jake: his mouth I guess I'm just excited about my date with Lod tonight. Amir: That's not a good reason! Jake: With Lod. Amir: Where are you taking her? Jake: Get this, dude his phone to Amir: I'm gonna meet her online. She's got a cam, and I am her man! Me and a couple other choice bachelorinos are going to, uh... a masturbating gesture ...kinda jack it, while she singing talks dirty to me! trying to sing the sax line of "Talk Dirty" by Jason Derulo Da-na-na, da, da-na-na-na-naaa, na-na-na, na, naaa-na-na! Amir: ...She's a bot. Jake: What the fuck did you just say? Amir: ...I mean, it's clear to me-- Jake: Whoa, buddy! What the fuck did you just say about my girlfriend? Amir: These photos are of-- Jake: I'm gonna tell you one thing right now, before you say what I think you're about to say. This "bot", as you're gonna callously call her? She might be my future wife, and the mother to my future children! So please, I beg of you, actually I demand of you, to proceed with reverence. Amir: All-- Jake: Tread lightly. Fucker. Amir: All these photos are of different strippers. Jake: Meaning? Amir: Meaning, this one's blonde. This one's a redhead. This one's Asian! Jake: Yeah! Lod keeps you guessing, man. That's why I dig her. Plus we really connected over chat! Things got real! Amir: Yeah, she wrote "Hey, cutie. Want to see me tonight? Go to livecamgirlwhores.co.nz and enter your billing info." Jake: Yes! I kind of like when girls ask for what they want. I think that's sexy. Maybe you disagree. Amir: You responded "I don't have a credit card. Can I PayPal or Venmo you? I think this could be the real deal, and I'd hate to lose you over a technicality, Lod." Jake: Sorry for me telling her what I want too! Amir: She responds "Sorry, cutie. No cash. Need billing info." Jake: Fair. Amir: You write "Shit, shit, shit. Okay, calling my dad. Do not hang up, please." Jake: I was worried about losing her. Amir: She writes "Don't worry, cutie. This is a text conversation. There is no hanging up." Jake: She's there for me when I'm feeling weak. Amir: Alright... Jake: By the way, I resent the implication that I'm not good at texting. I'm a Casanova in that regard. Amir: Yeah, you finally respond "My dad yelled at me, but I cried, cried, cried, and my mommy was able to make things right by snagging a pic of Dad's CC." Jake: There we go. Everything's right in the world. Amir: "Sending you some major coin as we squeak." Jake: She deserved it. Amir: She says nothing! Jake: Didn't have to. Amir: You write again "I love you." Jake: 'Cause I do. Amir: She said nothing. Jake: Didn't have to. Amir: You write "I love you so much, Lod." Jake: I do. I love her so much. Amir: She says nothing. Jake: Didn't have to. Amir: Okay, 'cause then you said "I'll see you tonight on the cam. I love you so much, Lod." Jake: What don't you understand, dude? She's playing hard to wet! Amir: She just wrote back "Can't do tonight, cutie." Jake: What? Amir: "I withdrew a thousand dollars from the account as a holding fee for next week." Jake: No... Amir: Yeah. Jake: No! Amir: Yes. Jake: Lod! Amir: What? Jake: Why, Lod? END